45. Home Sweet Home

Today I am nurturing my gratitude for being home. For the longest time, Kamloops did not feel like home. Which is interesting, because I thought I was used to living in different places in different countries - could be an age thing :P Took me about two years to feel at home to be honest, and now when I'm in Vancouver, it's nice to be around all the action and options available, but I also notice how much noisier everything is. And I feel so much time gets sucked up just trying to find things and keep things somewhat in order, which also could be due to the forgetfulness that has become part and parcel of parenthood. I miss my routine (can't believe I'm saying this!), did not enjoy not having my sleeping mask around, shivering almost every night before I fell asleep (since being a 'guest,' I had to cater to others' need for below room temperatures, as well as waking up at noon or later), always running up and down stairs to get something (although that was a good cardio workout), and generally not feeling safe. Within two days of being away, I was craving to come back home, longing for my own space, my own bed, my eye mask, my own thermostat. It seems like my little boy is happy to be home too :)

As soon as I walked in the home, I felt lighter, replaced by different stresses, and insomnia again, but nonetheless I feel relieved. Thank you sweet home, and I'm also thankful that I can afford a nice, decent apartment to live in.

44. PMA

I have been thinking about positive mental attitude, or PMA, since yesterday. I learned about PMA what seems like an eternity ago (12 years), as a Resident Advisor at Cornell. How one looks at things makes such a difference in how one feels, one's outlook, how one's day turns out. Yesterday, I was thinking about how lucky I am to have such a happy child in my life, who manages to make me smile at least once a day. And then I thought, 'Wow, I can still feel fortunate despite all the stressors and crises I am going through,' and felt grateful for being able to feel lucky, to not feel victimized, to see the positive in things. Predominantly because there was a time in my life when I could not feel thankful or lucky for everything good I had going on. That was about 12 years ago too.

I remember feeling like a victim, feeling sorry for myself, wondering often why bad things happened to me, I even belonged to a clan of 'Shit Sisters,' bemoaning and bragging about the 'shit' that befell us. Not to say I haven't felt sorry for myself in the past nine months, or wondered why and what the purpose of all this emotional turmoil is, what lesson I needed to learn from all this heartache, but mostly, I have been thankful, grateful for the little things that make me smile, that make me happy. I have been able to feel fortunate at least once a day, and that is a wonderful thing to feel, a proof of how far I've come along in my life journey, of all my positive growth, that working on my attitude and remaining hopeful and optimistic has definitely paid off.

It's nice to know that the balance is tipping far towards hopefulness and optimism, who'd have thought that PMA learned as a young resident advisor in college would come in handy as an adult mom, and probably for years to come? Thanks PMA!

43. Mr. Brown Iced Coffee

Over the weekend, as I was at my friend's house for a bbq, I saw Mr. Brown Iced Coffee in her refrigerator. That brought back some fond memories of me drinking these delicious little cans of ready made coffee (complete with milk and sugar) during my stay in Taiwan, which I heavily relied on during my long hours of teaching. It's amazing how an object can trigger memories and emotions; I find it quite fascinating, sometimes things can trigger feel good emotions, and at other times, instantly take you to a place of sadness, or evoke feelings of anger, resentment or hatred. Thankfully, Mr. Brown brought up happy memories, since going to Taiwan to teach English as a Second Language was one of the best decisions I have made, even though at the time I was unsure, and had to overcome certain hurdles once I was there. Goes to show that sometimes it's worth taking a chance, "taking the plunge" so to speak, even if the outcomes are unknown. When challenges come up, it's worth telling oneself that challenges can be overcome, and with a little initiative, the universe will help with whatever one wants to achieve. You just need to put it out and sometimes surrender, like Oprah said during her pilot episode of "Oprah Presents Master Class."

Thank you, Mr. Brown for bringing up some good feelings, especially at a time when feelings of hatred, anger, stress, sadness, and resentment invade my sleep.

42. Nail Polish

Tonight I nurture my gratitude for nail polish, since I happened upon a nail polish that I have been thinking about procuring for almost two months. It's OPI's "Deutsch you want me baby?" I was at my local London Drugs, browsing through the nail polish section after having gotten my necessity item, and when I saw the OPI Germany Collection, my heart almost skipped a beat in excitement! And then I saw the beautiful blazing orange colour that screams of fall, which I had been looking for at a couple of salons and was disappointed to find that it had been sold out at both locations. This gorgeous baby was one of the few things that really perked up my day after a harrowing night of stress and insomnia.

I have always enjoyed wearing nail polish, occasionally stopping at my local retail stores to look for a nice colour to paint my nails with. Then nursing school came along, and my interest in nail polish waned, since I could only wear it on my toes. That inability to wear nail polish on my finger nails has definitely increased my appreciation for being able to paint my nails, and now that I am on parental leave, I am taking full advantage of having my finger nails covered in beautiful shades that suit my fancy.

Of course, I have nail polish blogs to thank for. Earlier this summer, I chanced upon nail polish blogs, and realized how big of a trend nail art is nowadays. Some days I wait for the weekend, just so I can go to Sally's and buy some beautiful colours. Nail polish blogs are also how I came to discover China Glaze, which is probably my favourite brand of nail polish.

So, here's to nail polish and nail polish blogs, another favourite being Frazzle and Aniploish.

41. Fridays

I have been enjoying my Fridays immensely lately. In fact, I look forward to it with a passion and anticipation that I can't quite recollect ever having had for a day of the week. Probably because nowadays, Fridays signal the start of the weekend (or the end of the week), and some quality time as a family with my other half. It means we get to share the task of entertaining my little boy, and perhaps get some cleaning and organizing done. It means I might have some time to do some cooking, and go for a walk, or just watch TV, or stay up a bit late (although that doesn't pay off too well with a baby that wakes up at 7 am like clockwork, but still, it means I can nap any time during the day, and know that Eric will be safe with his dad, and Eric's dad can do the same).

So yes, even though I don't count the days till Friday, when Friday comes around, it feels like I'm on vacation, or close to that. Thank you, glorious Fridays!

40. Sudoku

Tonight I am nurturing my gratitude for sudoku. I first heard about sudoku, and saw those little 3x3 boxes about seven years ago. A couple of my co-workers were really into it, and even though it looked pretty mathematical to me, they assured me it was more akin to a puzzle than to math. It wasn't until the following year that I started paying attention to the sudoku booklets at grocery store check-outs. I told my roommate at the time about sudoku, and we both decided to give it a try. We got hooked!

Not only is sudoku a fun puzzle to do, but it requires almost full concentration in order to be accurate, that is, to line up your numbers without repeating them. In that sense, I find it very meditative, because although I'll start off with my thoughts everywhere, as I continue figuring out the numbers, I find my thoughts refocussing to solve the puzzle. And the reward is a perfect 3x3 square, with the numbers 1 to 9 occurring only once per line and per square.

Here I am, seven years later, still loving sudoku. I don't get the chance to do it as often as I like to, but it's still one of the things that bring a smile to my face. And needless to say, it's one of those little "tools" that help me weather the storm I am going through. Thank you sudoku!

39. "Rainbow in the clouds"

Tonight, I am nurturing my gratitude for the "rainbow in the clouds." I am a big fan of Oprah Winfrey's "Master Class," and had the great opportunity to re-watch Maya Angelou's take on life. Two things struck me when I saw the episode again: how much I had forgotten (possibly due to my 'mommy brain'), and what an eloquent and inspirational speaker this lady is. She talked about how she had many struggles in life, but along with those struggles there were many rainbows too, and encouraged viewers to always look for the rainbows in the clouds. Of course, not always does one see rainbows through the clouds, but once in a while, those rainbows do come about, and when we happen upon them, it is truly magical, despite the physics behind rainbows. Sometimes, we are so focused on how overcast and crappy the weather is that we tend to miss those brief moments of beauty...

This year continues to be one of my happiest and most challenging years to date, and since last night, while I've been trying to gather some peace in my mind and soul, I've been thinking about Maya's rainbows, to give me some strength, some insight, something great to hold on to. Tonight, as I put my son to bed, I thought "Eric is my rainbow, he's my constant rainbow" - he manages to make me smile and forget about all my worries even in my darkest moments, by doing simple things that only a baby can do, like rolling off during a diaper change and getting on all fours, practicing his pre-crawl stance. I laughed and laughed and laughed, and I thought perhaps I was overreacting as a doting mom, when I saw my other fellow mom-friends laughing too. He is my beacon of light, my inspiration, my strength, my courage, my rainbow in the clouds.